Phone screen tomorrow. Excited? Nervous? Uncertain? Happy? Anxious? Yes.
I've mentioned on here that I have an anxiety disorder. I've been in therapy for it off and on since I got out of college. I don't like to wear my crazy on my sleeve, but after all these years, I've become a little more accepting of it so I guess I don't mind blogging about it a bit. My current stint with therapy has been going on (every other week) for about 5 years(!!!) Before that, I was on Paxil, one of the bigger-deal drugs--or at least what I consider to be kind of heavy-duty since your brain has little electric shock feelings if you forget to take a pill. I classify that as some big drugs.
I started taking it because one day, for literally no reason at all, I had a panic attack while driving on the expressway. After that, driving down the on-ramp made me so freaked out--it was as if the road was travelled by werewolves so I just stopped. I tried taking surface streets to and from work, but that just about doubled my commute time. And, good grief, I realized it was ridiculous. I was driving through neighborhoods that were legitimately scary.
I'd been driving on the expressway for years--and all of a sudden I can't? But that's how anxiety works. The brain associates the fear of the panic attack with the thing you are doing at the time of the panic attack and you just need to re-train your brain...blah, blah, blah. Trust me, I probably know more about it by now than most doctors. I know what I should do, but it's another thing to make it actually happen. After a few days of the stupid surface street driving (and that was starting to cause some subtle panic too), I just wanted drugs. I wanted to feel normal again.
The Paxil worked pretty well. I got back to driving like a normal person. But in the process of shutting down the part of your brain that feels anxious, you also end up kind of numbing your emotions. Something sad would happen and I'd just kinda sit there and think, 'this is sad....I want a sandwich' (because yeah, you gain some weight too).
So when I went off Paxil, I decided to get into therapy so I wouldn't go nuts. People might debate me about whether it has done anything for me. I still have unreasonable fears. But the fact that I didn't become one of those people who hunker down in their house with their cats was enough to make it money well spent in my eyes.
The first major panic attack that I remember was in an interview. Before that day, I wasn't really nervous about interviews. But then all of a sudden, mid-stream, I began to feel as if my facial muscles would no longer hold onto the interview perma-grin--like my face would just seize up and shatter--and then I began to freak out that I might cry. Luckily, the guy's phone rang so I had a chance to regain my composure, but it freaked me out a lot. My parents were in the process of a move overseas and it was a crazy stressful time. I was under some pressure to find a job because in a few months, I would no longer have my parents' house to fall back on. In hindsight, it makes some sense that it happened, but at the time, it threw me into a tailspin. One day, I kinda liked interviewing. The next, it was terrifying.
Over the years, I've had a handful of interviews--within and outside of Entertainment. And I'm happy to say that they've all gone well. But I was a wreck before each of them. And here I am, staring down the gun of (hopefully) MANY interviews in the coming weeks. And the reward for going through that is starting a scary new job--yay! I wish, WISH I was one of those people who lives for change, but it's always been a challenge for me. But after spending my entire adult life at the same job, I know I'm way overdue for a big change. I guess I will just have to embrace it! Ugh. Whatever. Ok, I know it's for the best...it's all just a bit painful though.
So today was my last appointment with my therapist (he didn't charge me, which was very nice). I still have the option of calling if I need him, of course...and I might...he is a dear, sweet man who has helped me out a lot over the years. But I'm going to try to go it alone--more for the financial aspect than anything. I've really surprised myself so far so maybe it'll be ok. And I've always got some Xanax in the medicine cabinet in case it's not.
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