This weekend, I just let all my worries go. After learning of the news that I could get invited back to my old job (see details in my last post), I think I just mentally let go of thinking about all of it. I've been running on all cylinders with every synapse in my brain firing toward finding a job. And then to learn of perhaps getting my old job back...which was quickly followed by doubts about whether that would be a good scenario...well, I think my brain was like, girl, that's enough! And it shut itself down. So this weekend, I let all that go. I watched some tv...I took a couple naps...I ate some foods that I regretted...we had a friend over Saturday night and we played some cards...which turned into silly drinking games and loud trash-talking and the singing of Johnny Cash songs (my June Carter Cash was spot on, y'all...well, in my head it was). I knowingly killed off some brain cells and I didn't mind one bit. It was pure bliss to let it all go for a couple of days.
And now, here it is, Sunday night and I have to get my head back to reality again. Must get back into a mindset of making big decisions and fixing myself up to be ready to put myself out in front of potential employers in case I go that route. It's not even been two weeks yet and already, I'm just sort of over it and feeling petulant and pushed around.
I must admit, while I've been in a mad rush to get my resume out there as much as I can, the idea of maybe being unemployed when the weather warmed up wasn't horrible. The possibility of maybe having some time to work on some artistic endeavors or do a little more writing held some appeal. Even though the idea of not having a job is scary, after 19 years of work, a little downtime to consider my options seemed like a nice little perk to come of something so horrible.
I've had a handful of people talk to me about the notion that I could use this as a window of opportunity to explore some of the things I've dreamed of trying for years now. A small number of people know that I've always enjoyed coming up with business ideas. I am great at coming up with crazy ideas (you know...those crazy ideas that 'just might work!'). I am not great at knowing how to implement them or any of the financial/business end of these ideas. My dream would be having someone with big bags of money with dollar signs on them come to me and say they love my ideas and want to make them happen--they want to take over all the hard parts that I don't know about or don't want to do and they just want to give me the money for my ideas and then hire me as a consultant. I would go from team to team, instilling them with my vision and they would take it and run. And I would be there to participate and guide them along as we all build it out together. I mean, isn't the world ready for candy that makes your pee turn colors? And that's one of the bad ideas!
But then I also have this burning desire to do something creative. I don't know how to do much. I never studied art and that is one of the great regrets of my life, but I do enjoy doing little projects here and there. There are a handful of things I would like to try. I could start working on dying and painting silk scarves tomorrow to help my mom with her business. But there's nothing I see myself doing that I could support myself with. I have a friend who is an artist--a legitimate artist. She was encouraging me to try to do an idea that we and a couple of our friends were talking about a few years ago, sitting in some one's back yard on a gorgeous summer night, fueled by wine. If only I were brave and resourceful and not instilled with the fear of not having a good-paying job with benefits from a young age--maybe I'd be more daring and willing to take a crazy risk. It stinks. I feel like these ideas, my creativity--it's like a small child who tugs at my shirt from time to time for attention. And 90% of the time, I pat its head and say "not now, dear--maybe later". And later rarely comes. And I think that's just the way the world works for a lot of people. Well, I guess we'll see what happens in the coming days. Maybe I can push to at least make some time for those things while I'm unemployed.
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