week 3, thursday: heavy drugs and slippery nipples

It's been a pretty wild roller coaster of a ride...but less in a fun/laughy way and more in a freaky/barfing way.  I am going back to my old job on Monday.  It's a temporary gig--just till the sale of our assets goes through.  They didn't want everything to sit and be a "melting ice-cube", meaning our value ebbs away, the longer everything sits stagnating.  Once the sale goes through, it's very possible that most of us could get offers to go back to our old jobs.  To someone who is as uncomfortable with change as I am, the idea of going back to my nice comfy cubicle and picking up where I left off seems like a lovely warm blanket beckoning me in this storm of change.  But I know the reality of the situation might not be so comfy.  There might be snakes in that bed.  

So I've trudged on with the job search.  I had a phone screen today (my 2nd with this company) and was promptly invited to come in for a face to face interview next week. Yay, right? But I'm not being over-dramatic when I say that this interview is a little terrifying to me--like, truth be told, I'm positively dreading it.  And the interview is just the cage-rattling leading up to the total planet-shift of a new job, should that come to be.  All my big talk in a previous post about shunning heavy drugs...that notion has been cast aside as I contemplate the idea of a total change and thoughts leap to the sample packet of some crazy drug in my linen closet that I got during my last time of great stress and possible upheaval.  I had set them aside, deciding to stay the course with therapy and chamomile tea (among other things).  But now, the side-effects of some dreaded pill seem a small price to pay to just stay steady, get through everything, not pass out in an interview (so if you see me in a few months and I'm 60 pounds heavier, you will know why).  

I really don't want this blog to turn into a place where I go to whine about being anxious and unemployed.  I mean, that's pretty much where my head's at these days, but it's also not what I want my life to be all about.  So please let me take this opportunity to switch gears completely and tell a story.  I had originally promised I'd also use this blog to tell some old stories from my dating days...so let me begin that by telling you about Aaron (and quite honestly, my memory fails me, but I swear, I think it was spelled Erin...like a girl...I seem to recall that being a 'thing' my friends pointed out right off the bat).  And so yeah, in this case, names have not been changed to protect anyone's identity.  

My pal Lisa has been one of my closest friends since we met in college.  She was always the wild and crazy one, dating some hot guy or another, while I always had long-term boyfriends.  But then she married a great guy, had a couple beautiful little girls and settled down.  Several years ago, Dave and I were broken up and I went over to Lisa's brother's house for dinner when she was in town for a visit.  After dinner, she insisted that I "just look" at what matches I'd get on eharmony.  Next thing you know, she's signing me up, "happy early birthday!", she said.  But really, it was also a little bit like a present for her and her husband Nick too. I gave them my password so they could see my matches and pick guys for me.  They spent several weeks doing this as their weekend fun.  

One of the guys seemed really promising.  He was my 'good on paper' guy.  He had a good sense of humor, an interesting job, loved travel, ran marathons, coached a cross country team, was on a school board....the list went on.  Plus, he was nice looking.  We met for our first date and I was happy to see that he was as handsome as his photos that he'd posted.  However, he was dressed a little 90s-ish...mock turtleneck, hiked up jeans, dorky shoes...I let that go though.  You can always fix superficial stuff like that down the road, I reasoned. 

Over dinner, we had plenty to talk about. But he talked about his Jeep Wrangler quite a bit.  It would have been fine, but he said "it's a jeep thing" more than once.  The red flag began to peek up a bit, but I ignored it.  You can't criticize someone for being enthusiastic about their interests, can you?  

Then in the course of conversation, he mentioned that he had only started drinking a couple years before (and we were both in our mid-30s).  I was surprised by that bit of information so I asked him some questions about it. "What do you like to drink?" I asked, just keeping the conversation going.  

"Oh," he said without pause, "I like Slippery Nipples and Red-headed Sluts".  

As I write this, it just now occurs to me that maybe that could have been some sort of hint, like he was being pervy or something...I might have even had my hair dyed red at the time, now that I think about it.  But honestly, my reaction at the time, and really until I just wrote this was, hmm...that's kind of weird to have just started drinking in your 30s and to disclose that you prefer to drink something a 19-year-old girl would order in Windsor.  I found it to be amusing and let it pass, reasoning that I should not criticize someone for not drinking...after all, I'd dealt with enough drinking issues with my ex-husband to last me a lifetime (but that's a whole other story).  So I actually thought, well, maybe that's kind of refreshingly naive.  

The next week, he invited me to join him on a bike ride in Hines Park.  I am not a big cyclist.  I like putzing around town on my old clunky Schwinn and that's about it.  I told him I loved that idea, but warned him that my bike was old and heavy and had no gears so I was good for about 5 miles--maybe 8, tops.  We got to the park and had a lovely ride.  We got about 8 miles out and I realized it wasn't a loop....nope, we had to turn around and do 8 miles back.  And there were hills.  Big ones.  I held my own though, I'm proud to say.  

Afterward, we went to a pizza place to grab a bite to eat.  It was a beautiful October day, but as the sun went down, it got chilly and a cold rain began to fall.  But there we were in the Jeep Wrangler, with the top down..."it's a Jeep thing," he reminded me.  

At the restaurant, we talked about music at one point and I asked him what kind of music he liked.  "Oh, I like all kinds of music.  I like dance music a lot."  

I like a lot of music too, but I'm not so into current poppy stuff so I said, "oh, like what?"  

"Oh, like Haddaway," he said.  "You know that song, "What is love"?"  

"Ooooh....yeah." And then we went home.  With the top up.  And we never contacted each other again.  

Now, I don't want to sound conceited, but it's amusing to me that he didn't call me either.  It makes me curious to think of what he thought as I disclosed the weird little details of my life to him.  I'm sure he probably ended up with some girl who is excited for spring so they can put the top down on the Wrangler and jam out to 'What is love"--and that's great. I suppose that's a good reminder right now with all of these interviews going on...it's a little like dating.  You might not like the Wrangler guy, but he might not be into you either and that's just fine.  Everyone's just looking for a match that makes them comfortable.  Everyone just wants their Jeep thing.  

days 13 & 14: red thongs and bald spots

There was a crazy email in my inbox today from our CEO.  It was about my undies.  

No lie, I checked my work email for the first time in several days today and there was a message from Melissa, our CEO.  Perhaps you might recall from a couple entries ago (the things we left behind) that I had been waiting for a personal package (yes, containing undies) from JC Penney when we got shut down. I figured certainly, some guy in Shore Mortgage had them in a desk drawer somewhere.  But no.  The package ended up in the hands of our CEO.  She emailed me to let me know that she hadn't realized it was a personal package and so she opened it. I emailed back that she could probably imagine that I was a little red-faced and giggling.  And then coincidentally, I received the re-ordered ones from UPS at home today.  They were a little racier than I thought they'd be so I was even more embarrassed thinking of Melissa sitting there in the office, up to her eyeballs in bankruptcy matters opening a package for me and pulling out some saucy knickers....I hope she got a good laugh out of it...I sure did.  And God knows we can all use some laughter these days.  

So there was also another crazy email from our CEO today about us getting our jobs back.  We need to email them to let them know if we would be interested in being invited back. Sounds like things are taking longer than they expected--though I don't think anyone was surprised by that--but we could get back to work by mid-April.  

I did send an email to let them know I'd like to be invited back.  I don't know where things will be with potential jobs, so for right now, I'm looking at this as a paycheck--perhaps a temporary situation, depending on whether anything promising comes my way.  But...let me just open up and be real with you...there is a part of me that really, really hopes somehow the sky will open up and angels will fly down and cast their wands at our little company and everything will clear up and money will flow into our coffers once again, as it did in the old Potiker and CUC ownership days.  I know there are a million things to prevent anything of the kind from happening...and I'm being supremely naive...but just let me be that for a minute.  We've all been through so much crap...even before the bankruptcy...we deserve something good to come from all of our hard work for the past several years.  I guess I'm just waiting to hear what kind of grand plan they have and hopefully that will make things clear pretty early on whether we should dip our foot in the pool.  And if we do, if it might get chomped off by a crocodile.  

All of this crazy drama is finally starting to hit me.  I'd been feeling so oddly relaxed about everything and now finally, with this new turn of events, plus some phone screens, which could lead to interviews, it's all going up a notch and my anxiety is creeping back in.  Friday night at the Detroit Film Theatre, with the live choir and orchestra, I got a heaping dose of a reminder that it's still there.  Theaters and places like that where you can't easily leave if you need to sometimes make me nuts.  Sometimes it's ok, but Friday--as much as I enjoyed the whole thing--I also sat there just about crawling out of my skin wanting to walk out so badly.  It feels like something bad will happen--like maybe you'll throw up and breathing starts to feel weird--and mainly, you just want to escape as if your life depended on it. 

Other signs of anxiety have been popping up too.  I had my first bout of nighttime anxiety last night since this whole thing started.  I finally took a pill around 3.  Fell asleep around 4 and had to get up around 7 to go to the unemployment office.  Then the past couple days, I've noticed a little sore spot on the crown of my head--not like hit-your-head sore--it's weird-sore.  Several years ago, when going through a stressful time, I noticed a tiny bald spot about the size of a dime in the same spot that hurts right now. It had that same weird-sore feeling then.  I am hoping I don't lose hair.  

I know I shouldn't let this stuff get to me--but it's just my nature.  Dave suggested that we should just take this opportunity to join the Peace Corps (because you know, they're always looking for people approaching middle age who can barely assemble furniture from IKEA.) or move to Montana (hey Jill! ;).  I pretty much rolled my eyes at that.  But who knows...maybe that's what I need is just to totally uproot it all and try something completely new.  Yeah, a fresh start and some hair plugs and I'll be all set! 

day 12: candy that makes your pee turn colors and other amazing ideas

This weekend, I just let all my worries go. After learning of the news that I could get invited back to my old job (see details in my last post), I think I just mentally let go of thinking about all of it.  I've been running on all cylinders with every synapse in my brain firing toward finding a job.  And then to learn of perhaps getting my old job back...which was quickly followed by doubts about whether that would be a good scenario...well, I think my brain was like, girl, that's enough!  And it shut itself down.  So this weekend, I let all that go.  I watched some tv...I took a couple naps...I ate some foods that I regretted...we had a friend over Saturday night and we played some cards...which turned into silly drinking games and loud trash-talking and the singing of Johnny Cash songs (my June Carter Cash was spot on, y'all...well, in my head it was). I knowingly killed off some brain cells and I didn't mind one bit.  It was pure bliss to let it all go for a couple of days.  

And now, here it is, Sunday night and I have to get my head back to reality again.  Must get back into a mindset of making big decisions and fixing myself up to be ready to put myself out in front of potential employers in case I go that route. It's not even been two weeks yet and already, I'm just sort of over it and feeling petulant and pushed around.

I must admit, while I've been in a mad rush to get my resume out there as much as I can, the idea of maybe being unemployed when the weather warmed up wasn't horrible.  The possibility of maybe having some time to work on some artistic endeavors or do a little more writing held some appeal. Even though the idea of not having a job is scary, after 19 years of work, a little downtime to consider my options seemed like a nice little perk to come of something so horrible. 

I've had a handful of people talk to me about the notion that I could use this as a window of opportunity to explore some of the things I've dreamed of trying for years now.  A small number  of people know that I've always enjoyed coming up with business ideas.  I am great at coming up with crazy ideas (you know...those crazy ideas that 'just might work!').  I am not great at knowing how to implement them or any of the financial/business end of these ideas.  My dream would be having someone with big bags of money with dollar signs on them come to me and say they love my ideas and want to make them happen--they want to take over all the hard parts that I don't know about or don't want to do and they just want to give me the money for my ideas and then hire me as a consultant.  I would go from team to team, instilling them with my vision and they would take it and run.  And I would be there to participate and guide them along as we all build it out together.  I mean, isn't the world ready for candy that makes your pee turn colors?  And that's one of the bad ideas!  

But then I also have this burning desire to do something creative.  I don't know how to do much. I never studied art and that is one of the great regrets of my life, but I do enjoy doing little projects here and there.  There are a handful of things I would like to try.  I could start working on dying and painting silk scarves tomorrow to help my mom with her business.  But there's nothing I see myself doing that I could support myself with.  I have a friend who is an artist--a legitimate artist. She was encouraging me to try to do an idea that we and a couple of our friends were talking about a few years ago, sitting in some one's back yard on a gorgeous summer night, fueled by wine.  If only I were brave and resourceful and not instilled with the fear of not having a good-paying job with benefits from a young age--maybe I'd be more daring and willing to take a  crazy risk.  It stinks.  I feel like these ideas, my creativity--it's like a small child who tugs at my shirt from time to time for attention.  And 90% of the time, I pat its head and say "not now, dear--maybe later".  And later rarely comes.  And I think that's just the way the world works for a lot of people.  Well, I guess we'll see what happens in the coming days.  Maybe I can push to at least make some time for those things while I'm unemployed.  

days 10 & 11: hollywood drama

I missed posting anything for yesterday.  My friend got tickets to see the 1928 silent film The Passion of Joan of Arc at the Detroit Film Theatre and she invited me to go.  The film was accompanied by the Rackham Symphony Choir, performing composer Richard Einhorn's Voices of Light, a dramatic sort of medieval chanting in Latin and French written to accompany the film.  It was all just breathtakingly beautiful...the film and the music. The movie consists almost entirely of close-up shots of people's faces throughout the trial of Joan of Arc.  It is said that the actress who played Joan, Renee Jeanne Falconetti, gave the best performance in any film, ever.  She stands steadfast in her convictions and though she's scared and crying and fearing her fate, she stands her ground.  The emotion she expresses with just the tiniest nostril twitch was really amazing--let alone the tears pooling over and glistening on her eyelashes. Just gut-wrenchingly beautiful.  And painfully sad. 

After all the emotions of the last week and a half, you'd think such a movie would be hard to digest--and it was--I found myself still on the verge of tears even as we got to round 2 of the standing ovation for the musicians and choir.  But it was good to see it.  It was a good reminder that there is beauty in the world...and brutality...far, far greater than we can possibly imagine.  My employment problems are trivial.  And fleeting.  And the wine that followed after the movie softened the blow.  It was good to have a blurry wine-infused night of girl talk.  

This week brought another twist to our own ongoing drama.  We got word that a bid for our assets has been made by Lowell Potiker, son of the founders of our company.  Things are quickly under way to get things up and running again.  It sounds like most of us will get invited back to our jobs in a very short time (end of the month was mentioned...and that's next week!)

I know I'm not alone in feeling a lot of uncertainty.  On the one hand, this seems like a miraculous turn of events--worthy of a Hollywood script--the son of the founders swoops in and rescues us from the evil holding company, gives most of us our jobs back, puts the company back on track and viola! Happy ending.  

But the reality is quite different.  Many people have already found jobs or are on the way to other jobs (maybe me too).  Or even if they don't have anything, would they want to go back? And then there's the business--many people who held key positions on hot projects might be gone.  Many vendors, merchants and clients would be reluctant to do business with us again.  Plus, now they've seen us with our pants down.  They know about our financial situation.  Would people still want to do business with our company knowing what they now know?  And what of all those debts? The bankruptcy absolves them, I think, but why would any of those companies we owed money to ever want to work with us again?  And everything we dropped last week when this happened will be very behind.  It sounds like a mountain of headaches.  Something a sane person would run away from.  

But a little part of me is intrigued by the idea of being back with my old Entertainment family in a "new" company that holds dear a spirit that was lost over the years as we got bought and sold several times over.  That spirit has been kicked around by wicked corporate overlords--notables like John Menard and Barry Diller (who visited us once for a lunch meeting after he bought us and someone had to rush out and buy china plates because Mr. Diller would not use paper plates).  That spirit was muddied and bruised, but a little glimmer of it was always still there.  What if we could get it back and we could get the "old Entertainment" back?  Could we rise from the ashes??  

Ugh...the drama...it's been a lot to take.  I'm still going to follow through on my current path...I'm still attending the 2-day job seeker's seminar next week.  I'm still going to do my 2nd phone screen interview with Quicken next week.  I'll just take it a day at a time and see how this story unfolds.  

day 9: the things we left behind

This one's gonna be fast and dirty, y'all...like my house.  I've gotta clean because people will be shooting photos in it tomorrow.  I don't want the lint-balls on the carpet to get stuck in the model's toes...or dust to get on her pantaloons if she leans on my furniture.  

Had that phone screen today.  I think it went well.  It was chatty and I think that helps.  We'll see.  Thanks for all the well-wishes, everyone...it helped!  I felt pretty good!  

It's weird to think of what we left behind...I'm not talking about the friends and the memories and all that stuff, though that's all painfully true...I'm talking about the stuff. 

I stopped at the old building the other day to check for a package.  I always had my personal packages shipped to me at work because someone stole a package off my front porch once--pillow shams--what a jerk.  Anyway, this particular package had undies in it from JC Penney (they had a nice selection of cute ones, you guys...check 'em out).  According to JCP, someone named Evan or with the last name of Evans signed for it.  They allowed me to re-order them at no charge, which was cool.  But still, I can't help envisioning some dude named Evan prancing around in my red thong.  

If I had gone up the stairs to our old stomping grounds, there would have been other things of note....and now the trustees will see these things....what will they think of them?  

Art production placed some skeletal remains (from Halloween, of course...it's not that gross in there) on the floor in their area with a sign instructing people to "keep calm and coupon".  

A co-worker had a ghost bike* parked in a spare cubicle [*a ghost is a bike painted white...this particular one was a child's bmx-style bike, which only made it more awesome].  I'm told ghost bikes get left at places where bikers have been killed...?  This particular ghost bike was an homage to a beloved VP who got sent on his way about a year and a half in advance of us. It was not unusual to see him riding the little ghost bike around the office from time to time. I've never witnessed a ghost bike out in the world...but we were fortunate to enjoy ours at work, however briefly.  I hope they are a little freaked out when they have to carry that ghost bike out to the dumpster...they should be.  

In my cubicle, they will be met with a paper mache wolf head that I made myself years ago to be used in our Halloween decorations.  The wolf head would sometimes show up in people's drawers or chairs or garbage cans....sometimes you'd hear a shriek and know that the wolf head had struck again!  (Why, oh why didn't I tuck that guy in my drawer with his face peeking out?  Ugh...the regrets...

My cubicle also had a wall of awkward photos.  Over the years we collected a pretty nice array of our co-workers from their awkward years.  That was the one rule...it could be from any age, but it had to be awkward, preferably including things like perms or braces...and maybe posing with a trumpet...or maybe prancing like a horse and leaping over a bench covered with fern fronds to pose as a hedge....or maybe in a photo with your brothers where you have clearly peed your pants....or maybe posing with your brother in all red, black and white 80s fabulosity, complete with wine glass filled with red-dyed water, to be used as the cover for his band's tapes.  That was my favorite!

And maybe when they start to tear things down they will find other things....like perhaps a piece of baloney taped under a desk...or a dried up old hot-dog stuck into a pencil holder...or a rotten old banana peel...or a tiny dried up carrot that at one time, had been shaped like a penis...or an old Taco Bell taco...that really hasn't...changed its composition..at...all...hmm. 

Yes, we were a group of weirdos....who will love us like we loved each other?  If you work someplace like this, don't take it for granted...and please message me if you have any openings. 

day 8: there's always xanax

Phone screen tomorrow.  Excited?  Nervous?  Uncertain?  Happy?  Anxious?  Yes. 
  
I've mentioned on here that I have an anxiety disorder.  I've been in therapy for it off and on since I got out of college.  I don't like to wear my crazy on my sleeve, but after all these years, I've become a little more accepting of it so I guess I don't mind blogging about it a bit.  My current stint with therapy has been going on (every other week) for about 5 years(!!!)  Before that, I was on Paxil, one of the bigger-deal drugs--or at least what I consider to be kind of heavy-duty since your brain has little electric shock feelings if you forget to take a pill. I classify that as some big drugs.  

I started taking it because one day, for literally no reason at all, I had a panic attack while driving on the expressway. After that, driving down the on-ramp made me so freaked out--it was as if the road was travelled by werewolves so I just stopped.  I tried taking surface streets to and from work, but that just about doubled my commute time. And, good grief, I realized it was ridiculous.  I was driving through neighborhoods that were legitimately scary.  

I'd been driving on the expressway for years--and all of a sudden I can't?  But that's how anxiety works.  The brain associates the fear of the panic attack with the thing you are doing at the time of the panic attack and you just need to re-train your brain...blah, blah, blah.  Trust me, I probably know more about it by now than most doctors. I know what I should do, but it's another thing to make it actually happen.  After a few days of the stupid surface street driving (and that was starting to cause some subtle panic too), I just wanted drugs. I wanted to feel normal again.  

The Paxil worked pretty well.  I got back to driving like a normal person.  But in the process of shutting down the part of your brain that feels anxious, you also end up kind of numbing your emotions.  Something sad would happen and I'd just kinda sit there and think, 'this is sad....I want a sandwich' (because yeah, you gain some weight too).  

So when I went off Paxil, I decided to get into therapy so I wouldn't go nuts.  People might debate me about whether it has done anything for me.  I still have unreasonable fears.  But the fact that I didn't become one of those people who hunker down in their house with their cats was enough to make it money well spent in my eyes.  

The first major panic attack that I remember was in an interview.  Before that day, I wasn't really nervous about interviews.  But then all of a sudden, mid-stream, I began to feel as if my facial muscles would no longer hold onto the interview perma-grin--like my face would just seize up and shatter--and then I began to freak out that I might cry.  Luckily, the guy's phone rang so I had a chance to regain my composure, but it freaked me out a lot.  My parents were in the process of a move overseas and it was a crazy stressful time.  I was under some pressure to find a job because in a few months, I would no longer have my parents' house to fall back on.  In hindsight, it makes some sense that it happened, but at the time, it threw me into a tailspin.  One day, I kinda liked interviewing. The next, it was terrifying.  

Over the years, I've had a handful of interviews--within and outside of Entertainment.  And I'm happy to say that they've all gone well.  But I was a wreck before each of them.  And here I am, staring down the gun of (hopefully) MANY interviews in the coming weeks. And the reward for going through that is starting a scary new job--yay!  I wish, WISH I was one of those people who lives for change, but it's always been a challenge for me.  But after spending my entire adult life at the same job, I know I'm way overdue for a big change.  I guess I will just have to embrace it!  Ugh.  Whatever.  Ok, I know it's for the best...it's all just a bit painful though. 

So today was my last appointment with my therapist (he didn't charge me, which was very nice).  I still have the option of calling if I need him, of course...and I might...he is a dear, sweet man who has helped me out a lot over the years.  But I'm going to try to go it alone--more for the financial aspect than anything.  I've really surprised myself so far so maybe it'll be ok.   And I've always got some Xanax in the medicine cabinet in case it's not. 

day 7: door number two

I got something pretty close to a job offer today! Exciting!  

I met up with a group of former co-workers for lunch at Norm's today. Was great to see everyone and compare notes, laugh and tell stories, share small victories and small hiccups in the search (amy sending her resume to yahoo with her gmail address...I loved that story because it's exactly something I would do....or any of us, really, in this still shell-shocked state...I know we'll all have a ton of these stories to share in the coming weeks...but we'll all do ok anyway).    

Afterward, I got a call from a former vendor I hadn't spoken to yet so sat in the parking lot and chatted with him.  He asked me about my plans for the future and asked if I might be interested in a CSR job there.  He said if I might be, he'd have their General Manager give me a call. I told him to please go ahead and pass my number along. The GM called me later that evening at home and made it sound like I could have the job if I wanted it.  He said really, really nice things about me which was really cool to hear and I let him know that I loved working with them over the years.  But there were some pros and cons.  The GM is just about the nicest guy I've ever encountered and everyone else there is really great too, right on up through the owner.  It's a small company and I kind of like the idea of working someplace where I would know everyone and not get lost in a sea of people.  And I would probably be able to pick it up pretty quickly since I had worked with their CSRs--I'd just be on the other side.  But (the cons, now...), I don't really know if I want to be on the other side. I remember thinking many times of my CSR counterparts that I would probably not love their job.  And it's kind of a far drive.  Not horrible...right by the airport...so kinda far, but also not anywhere near where most of my life is centered...or really, where any one's life is centered.  So I told him I would just go ahead and be inappropriate and save us some time by just asking for a pay range.  Figured I might as well not waste the time of either of us if it wasn't in my range.  Turns out it is lower than what I was making so I gave him my sincere gratitude and appreciation and turned it down (with a window to keep the tie in case something comes up down the road that would be a better fit).  

I wondered if that was the right thing to do...seems weird to turn something down when you have nothing.  But I reasoned that it's still very early in my search.  And I'm happy with my decision. This all feels a little like a game show....someone showing you what is behind door number one and asking if you want to take that or turn it down and go with the mystery prize behind door number two.  And meanwhile, the clock is ticking. 

Later on, around 6:15, I got a call from a job that I am actually very interested in.  I was down in the basement so missed it, but will call in the morning.  I'm excited!  But I kind of hope I have a little window of time before an interview.  I have so much to do to prepare!  Not even sure if I can fit into my dusty old interview suits, which were last used in skinnier days.  And good grief...interviewing skills....those need some dusting off as well.  I'll just add that to the ever-expanding list. 

day 6: a girl can dream

Today was a gloomy gray day.  I spent most of it sitting in my dark basement on the computer.  It could not have been a more boring day, with the exception of a handful of amazingly wonderful phone calls and emails from old friends.  People who took the time to check in and see how I was, provide job leads, send some encouraging words and in a few cases, offer up other views of what I could possibly do with my life going forward. 

These little conversations I've had here and there where talk turns from real, solid job leads to things that are more like wispy iridescent pieces of ribbon floating on a breeze...just glimmers of ideas of what turns my life could take...these are the conversations that have kept me a little excited about being unemployed. I like the idea that even though I will probably end up working for The Man once again, there is just a sliver of a chance that maybe things could change drastically, and I could end up doing something amazing. 

I worked at Entertainment for nearly 19 years--it was my first job right out of college.  But I have had a few other gigs for short times in addition to that job.  Once, I worked for my ex-sister-in-law's uncles doing eBay sales.  They had a couple of full time employees and took me on for about ten hours a week to do simple things like write up descriptions, take measurements of garments, things like that.  It was a pretty large business, selling mostly jewelry and high-end designer clothing, shoes, bags, etc.  It was fun to be surrounded by all the fabulosity!  Chanel suits, opulent furs, shoes that cost as much as my mortgage payment--but then my real job got too busy so I left after about 6 months.  

Another time, I was co-owner in an antique store in my town.  That was fun too!  For me, finding amazing old stuff for cheap is probably about as close to the rush of jumping out of a plane that I will ever get.  So it was amazing to parlay that hobby into a job.  But ultimately, it was difficult to keep it up.  Two of the four of us had regular 9-5 jobs and it got to be too much.  

Years ago, I worked on children's workbooks at Entertainment.  I did some writing for them and, omg....the rush of receiving a paycheck--a good one!--for writing something. It felt like what I imagine drugs feel like to addicts...just an amazing rush!  But then that product folded. 

Most recently, I was helping my mother with her small business dying and painting silk scarves.  I loved doing it, but I was working a lot of hours and that got tough too so I backed off of that (still doing it as I can...which will probably be more soon).   

Recently, my brother suggested that I should offer my house up for photo shoots.  His girlfriend has recently started doing pin-up photography and they asked if I'd mind if they did a shoot here this Friday.  I said sure, why not?  They seem to think this could be more than just a one-off opportunity.  I'm not planning to get rich by it, but do think it's an interesting way to make a few (probably literally, a few) bucks on the side.  And my brother seems to think, based on a handful of band photos I took years ago, that I should get into photography.  His girlfriend is wonderfully motivating in that direction as well.  I love them for that--for just making it seem as if something like that maybe could be so. 

  

I received notice of the amount that my unemployment checks will be today...it literally caused me to gasp...just over half of my pay. I guess I was expecting it to be bad, but when you actually see the numbers, it's quite shocking.  So every extra buck I can make here and there is going to help.   

And I like to daydream in the few spare minutes between job applications that I might be able to choose a different path for myself this time around.  Maybe if I could find a bunch of sources of small income, I could afford to take a job that pays less, but means more.  I don't even have a clear picture in my mind what that would be...but when I think of the possibilities, I see myself just being happy and creative and maybe not building schedules in project or setting up update meetings in Outlook.  Well, a girl can dream.

day 5: the floodgates have opened...good grief

Sounds weird to think of having 3 days off this past week and still feeling that a "break" was necessary today, but that was the case.  And, turns out, when you stop and look around for a minute, that's when the feelings hit.  

I cried the day it happened as I walked around saying my good-byes.  But then I went and got drinks with friends and was so wound up after that, no more sadness hit. The second day, I got teary in yoga, but put it away for later and it never struck again later.  Every day since has just been a whirlwind of activity and calls from friends and focusing on what I need to do.  Emotions got put on a shelf....or maybe in a bag in my extra bedroom with all the stuff from my cubicle that has yet to be unpacked. 

My boyfriend and I went out to breakfast this morning with my brother and his girlfriend.  After breakfast, my brother and his gf moved on and Dave and I decided to go to a rummage sale (that's just a thing I've always enjoyed--it's not because of my new financial status).  I was feeling a little melancholy on the drive there.  It hit anew when we arrived and the church was so beautiful--a hidden gem in a neighborhood in Detroit.  On the way out, I felt sad because the church ladies were so nice (what?)  Then I cried silently, to myself as we left because we saw a stray cat.  Then Dave proceeded to tell me about a little Yorkshire terrier he and my brother had seen this week that was stray and limping (but another work crew picked it up so it had a happy ending).  I just quietly cried behind my sunglasses.  That cleared up, but when we got home, I got mopey again.  Dave gave me a hug and I had a good cry for a couple minutes.  Then we watched the movie "Apocolypto".  I asked Dave if it would be sad and he said no.  Then there was a scene in which all the parents in a small jungle village are either killed or taken away and the children are left behind....omg...thanks for forgetting about that, Buddy....(but really a great film...check it out).  

Now, I think stuff gets real.  The mad rush is over.  The well-wishes have been received and appreciated.  Dave goes to work tomorrow and I don't.  Tonight he tried to lift my spirits by pointing out that Mondays are the best when you're unemployed (he's experienced this a couple times) because everyone is off to work, but you're not. He is used to me being bummed out by Sunday nights because I always hate the end of the weekend.  Even though I'm always annoyed for the fun to end and having to get back to the grind, I still feel good when I arrive at work and see my friends and get back into it.  Tomorrow will be weird.  

So I am going to try to keep a sort of normal-person routine. I will continue to get up at the same time and I will just treat this job search like my job, as I'm sure most people are.  I have sent my resume out to a decent handful of people/places.  I have a long list to tackle still, but I'll get through it.  Must get to bed now so I'm all ready for "work" tomorrow.  

day 4: good vs. evil

Before all this craziness went down, a lot of Entertainment peeps had plans to spend Friday night at our favorite dive bar, Norm's Field of Dreams, to say good-bye to a co-worker in Logistics.  After the axe dropped Tuesday, I decided to impose upon our pal and turn her going-away party into a party for everyone.  

I expected a lot of people, but when I walked in, it was packed--like meat-market-dance-club packed.  I thought maybe it might be a little somber...maybe people getting teary, but it was this giddy/crazy/happy/fun hug-fest.  Soooo many hugs!  My face started to hurt from smiling so much.  And a lot of people showed up who've been gone for a long time--years, even.  Sooo much laughter!  So many people exchanging information about potential jobs.  By the end of the night, the entire Logistics team was dancing!  So typical of Entertainment folks to take a horrible situation and smile and make it wonderful.  I can't even convey how amazing all my former co-workers are and how much I will miss everyone.  

Our company has struggled for a long time.  People have been either leaving of their own accord or getting shoved out in small or large groups for years now, leaving those of us left with little scratches on our hearts each time and questioning our sanity as we continued to stick around.  So certainly, those of us who were left knew that our future there was sketchy.  But there had been some rays of light lately.  We were waiting for some money to come through from the bank that would have enabled us to pay off some debts and continue to move forward.  Potential investors were supposed to come just last week and that meeting was cancelled (and now I guess we know why).  I heard last night that a member of the Potiker family (our founders) had put forth an offer to John Menard Jr. to buy the company.  And it was refused.  Obviously, I don't know all the details...and who's to say any of that could have kept this from happening. But still, it boggles my mind that a man with 7 BILLION DOLLARS to his name felt that the best decision of all was to file for chapter 7 and wash his hands of it all--knowing how that would affect all the employees who are now left with no incomes (and many of my poor co-workers were owed commissions and/or money for travel or other expenses for work).  Not to mention the ripple effect from the damage this would do to all of our unpaid vendors. That is the decision of a truly greedy and heartless human being.  

I'm still very angry about the circumstances of the closure of our company.  It's starting to cool off a bit though as I think of all I need to do to focus on my own well-being.  There's just not time for anger.  And I don't want to be someone who holds onto bitterness and hatred--that's not good for anyone.  But it bothers me so much that this Ebenezer Scrooge/Mr. Potter from It's a Wonderful Life/Mr. Burns from the Simpsons (or worse than all combined, really...google the guy...the stories loony greed are unbelievable!) is able to just go on with his mountains of money, as if nothing ever happened.  I'm sure he realizes that he can't be touched and that it will all be figured out by trustees and forgotten by and by. But I'm sure he will someday get what he deserves. 

And on a much smaller scale, I also blame our last CEO, Dean for some of this predicament as well.  He did not cause it.  But he certainly exacerbated it.  He just jumps from company to company, flying around the country, riding around in limos (ok, I guess I only know that for certain about the limos in the case of the Celebrity Apprentice...and don't even get me started about that brilliant idea) and then leaving it all in a shambles a couple years later.  And holding up production of the books to make sure he had his face printed on the inside front covers of the books and then hitting the road by the time they're printed--nicely done.  Re-tweet that, Dean.   

Ok, that wasn't very nice.  But it made me feel a little better.  Bottom line is that I believe there are many more good people in this world than bad.  It stinks that it seems like the horrible people typically hold a lot of the power.  But I am generally optimistic that good can still overcome evil.  Peace and love...keep being good to each other.  

Day 3: frazzled and thankful

This one's gonna have to be short.  Must get to Norm's.  Those beers aren't gonna drink themselves.  

Today, I'm just feeling tired and worn out!  You would think that with all these days not working, I'd be well-rested, the house would be spotless, I'd have followed up on all leads, I'd be exercising and on my way to losing those unwanted pounds....but it's not at all like that.  

I've hardly watched tv or sat around the house at all.  I'm constantly doing something, but it seems like the list of stuff to do just gets longer.  I'm not sleeping enough and I've got this weird light-headed feeling all day.  

I think I can chalk it up to being overwhelmed by all I have to do.  I feel like I'm spending a ton of time on facebook to "network", but I've got a long list of stuff that the networking has panned out and I need to follow up on.  My resume is complete and has been sent to a few people, but I look at it and worry that it's not good enough.  

But even with this overwhelmed feeling, I'm also in sort of this giddy anxious state.  I'm used to anxiety that is not "giddy" in any way, so this is new.  I think it's due to being blasted with this enormous gush of love and caring from people from every strata of my social circle.  I'm astonished by the outpouring of help and leads and kind emails from people I don't even know extremely well, and just general support from friends as far away as Japan and South Korea.  It's astoundingly wonderful and is buoying my spirits to the point that I feel really good right now.  I know reality will have me crashing down to earth soon enough, but for now, I feel pretty optimistic and even excited for what the future may hold.  

I'm so fortunate to have so many wonderful friends, family members, neighbors, acquaintances, former co-workers going back to the 90s, former classmates going back to high school, childhood friends....it's all just amazing and humbling.  It feels like a thousand hands supporting your weight, keeping you hoisted above a roiling sea.  And I am so, so very thankful for it.  

day 2: lesson learned: derailments can be good

Today started off with good intentions, but I got derailed pretty early on...but in the best way possible....

After 4 hours of sleep, I still got up at about 8, made breakfast, got my old computer out and began what should have been a quick update of my resume that was just updated in August. But first I had to check facebook and respond to texts.  Then I had to make breakfast.  Then a shower.  Then a couple phone calls.  Then plans for lunch....  

And there sat my resume, practically untouched.  I had every intention of updating it yesterday so I felt a little behind.  But when one of my good friends invited me to lunch, I was like, resume, I will work on you later.  

After a yummy burger and some fun catching up and a lunch-time drinky or two (or, alright, 3), we decided to go back to her house and jam.  Yeah, that's right, jam.  My friend has a drum kit, guitars, bass, all the amps and pedals and a microphone all set up in her living room.  She got on the guitar and I got on the drums.  Let me explain that I don't play any instruments.  I played the flute in school, but quit in 10th grade (there was a band camp hazing incident...involving a tiny bra...held up in the cafeteria...it might have been mine...maybe definitely...). I never played the drums.  But today I did.  And it was awesome!  I wasn't very good, but it felt good!  

Seriously, pounding on something with sticks...that was precisely what I needed this week!  I can honestly say that I played till my fingers bled.  Ok, one finger....because there was a ring on it....but I got blood on the stick!  Blood!  She showed me how to play a Bo Diddley beat and I was pretty bad at it, but in the moments when I kept it up, man...cathartic!  

My friend's husband, also a dear friend, passed away 2 years ago after a long, painful battle with pancreatic cancer.  And after he was gone, that's really how she got through it.  She didn't even know how to play those instruments very well, but just wanted to learn and I think it was just a perfect outlet.  

I'm not saying my situation is like hers, but it just reinforced the idea that finding that thing--like playing drums or whatever it is--that's a good way to deal with a difficult or painful situation.  I have dealt with an anxiety disorder my whole life and I refuse to turn to pharmaceuticals ever again.  I have been concerned that the loss of my job could throw me into a tailspin, but I feel hopeful that if I can find something--yoga or writing or painting or whatever--while I go through this, maybe I will weather the storm without having to dope up with some Big Pharma nightmare pill.  

And hopefully I will be at her house again soon to play those drums....40+ girl-band...yeah!!!  

day 1

Imagine that, an unemployed person blogging about it.  If anyone is hiring cliches, you know where to reach me.  Yeah, this blog is called mel unemployed. Because I got tired of trying to be clever.  I considered several options that contained words like "free!" or "unchained!", but let's call it what it is.  I'm writing because I lost my job after 19 years and I don't quite know what to do with myself.  Of course, I've applied for unemployment, I've got my resume ready to send out tomorrow...but as for getting my head wrapped around this, that will probably be more complicated.  So writing seemed like a prudent activity at a time like this. 

Yesterday I walked into my job at Entertainment Promotions with my pal Jill.  Before we even got to our desks (we had our coats on and our bags over our shoulders) our director told us she had an announcement--the company had filed for chapter 7 bankruptcy.  "The company is closed. We no longer have jobs.  You need to pack your things. There is no severance.  You no longer have insurance."  I was shocked, to say the least.  51 years in business...several hundred employees...and all of a sudden, time is up.  For all of us.  Just like that.

The rest of the day is a blur of packing and tearful good-byes, followed by a tv interview, which was followed by beers at a favorite dive bar with a couple dozen other stunned co-workers.  

I've started this all off feeling upbeat, oddly.  I'm seeing it as the kick in the butt that I needed to move on.  Last night was a flurry of facebook posts and messages from caring friends and earnest lists of things I need to do.  Today, I didn't sleep in.  I got up and went to yoga.  But, aside from my tearful good-byes yesterday, the reality of the situation has not caught up with me yet.  I started to get a little weepy in yoga, but I tucked it away for later.  

I spoke with a couple print vendors today--people I've worked with for years, who have figured prominently in my day-to-day life and I've come to value as friends. We owed one of them about $170K and the other one about a quarter million.  Broke my heart to think of how our bankruptcy will affect them too.  They might have to let people go as well.  

Little glimmers of the situation have been coming out.  It seems we are a casualty of a fight between a couple of billionaires (or maybe one billionaire and one guy who is merely filthy rich).  A couple of old white dudes from MH Equity who will wipe their hands of this and go vacation at their 2nd (or 3rd or 4th) homes and not give a thought to the people who are in single income households or dealing with cancer or other serious health issues with no insurance, people with kids, worried about how long they will be able to pay their mortgage payments before their savings run out...the list goes on, I'm sure.  

Ugh...so much to say...but it's 2am and I have vowed I will try to maintain a relatively early-to-bed/early-to-rise schedule.  I have night owl tendencies and I don't want to get trapped in that routine.  I've heard that's a fast road to depression.  Anyway, I'm going to try to make this a daily activity.  We'll see.  Feels good to do something a little creative.  It's been a while.